Rose coloured glasses and Blood flowers

Rah!>:(

It’s nearing the anniversary of a major life event for me. This year, ten years ago, I broke everyone’s hearts around me. So yesterday I started writing something special. A recount of the past. It’s going to take a long time to write, and hopefully it will make sense. This is for you, mum and dad.x

It’s a hazy little day, In a hazy kinda way. Where dreams linger in the morning heat And normal interactions seem surreal.

You have to dig deep and help yourself. Possibly not by admitting yourself to the psyche ward like my housemate did today- but definitely, hitting rock bottom makes you do -something-….. :-/ I hope thus helps though.

Tonight I cradled my weeping child to sleep. Her tears were burdened with the ache of rejection and longing to see you again…. I was wordless. I once was so angry at you, for what seemed such an easy departure from a child whose very existence, her love and life revolved around you. But I can’t bring myself to be angry at you anymore, because of course, it was my doing, I was the one that made the decision to rip one of the most beautiful things in her life away. She asked me tonight, why you left…. “did he run out of love, mumma?” and her words burned in the back of my throat so fierce- no longer for you, but myself. She misses you, she loves you, she asked me if you had forgotten her. I lost the love of my life, through depression and poor judgement, but she also lost the love of her life, in a completely different way. Her tears will never stop, and I can no longer keep mine from her, every time she weeps for you. I asked her to be strong for me, because we will heal, she will heal. I will never, ever hurt her like that again. Your memory will fade, but I know, as with my heart, hers will still be longing. And I cannot forgive myself for that. And I ask nothing of you…. Nothing but to fade faster. Please…

I’m not sure why I ignore the small things so fiercely. Why I let things slide so often, and make them okay in heart. Because they eat my mind alive.

Love shall not enslave you, but set you free… Busy mind but idle hands :-/